@ForeverHairy

Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?

Kids: WE DO! YAY!

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@TheWoodenslurpy

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

@mattZillaaaa

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

@Jake_Vig

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

@GloGurL

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

@ericbove

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

@trashcanbee

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

@robotrowboat

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

@metickleu

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

@Brampersandon_

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a