Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?

Kids: WE DO! YAY!

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Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.


So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap


HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.


I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?


The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.


My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house


Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison


I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?


ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a