Stay through the end of Hansel & Gretel to see Nick Fury kick Jeremy Renner out of The Avengers.
Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?
Kids: WE DO! YAY!
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me: if u drink this coffee ur gonna get jittery and anxious and ur gonna feel sick later
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me think fast
I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you’re making an offer.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel