me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
You Might Also Like
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Just me and my debit card against the world
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”