ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
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So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.