@blade_funner

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

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@PickleRudd

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

@markleggett

Despite hating tomatoes, I was a tomato in a school play. I put my personal beliefs aside and nailed the role because I was a professional.

@JessObsess

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

@brynnester

[Death Row]
Guard: Before we put you in the electric chair what would you like to eat for your last meal?
Me: The electric chair please
Guard: But…

@UnFitz

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

@donttouchjames

what if peach and bowser were married the whole time and we were really just controlling a paranoid schizophrenic plumber trying to kidnap his old highschool girlfriend