Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
You Might Also Like
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.