Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
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People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
The only equipped I am is ill.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?