ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

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Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.


I think I might have a shower.


Yes, I have a shower.


FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best


My Roomba just acts like a drunk person trying to play it cool.


All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.


I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.


PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part


What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?


You’re an embarrassment to the human race.
What are you doing later?