Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
ME: who’s a good boy
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
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I’ve been trying to eat healthier so I ate a vegetarian.
robber 1: *puts ski mask on head* you grab the money while i kiss all the bankers
robber 2: huh?
robber 1: uh i meant kill *hides lipstick*
God: I made a rainbow!
Devil: I’m making all the fire alarm batteries die in the middle of the night.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
~ At a bar last night ~
Her: I don’t want to be alone tonight
Me: Well, I can take care of that
*takes her home*
Me: Pick any cat you want
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way that I was going to let her take half of my Golden Girls Memorabilia collection.