ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
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If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
They got Raph!
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.