ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

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Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”




robber 1: *puts ski mask on head* you grab the money while i kiss all the bankers
robber 2: huh?
robber 1: uh i meant kill *hides lipstick*


God: I made a rainbow!

Devil: I’m making all the fire alarm batteries die in the middle of the night.


A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”


Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]


Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other


~ At a bar last night ~

Her: I don’t want to be alone tonight
Me: Well, I can take care of that
*takes her home*
Me: Pick any cat you want


I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way that I was going to let her take half of my Golden Girls Memorabilia collection.