@BuckyIsotope

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

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@markleggett

Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.

@ehdannyboy

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

@thetits

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

@bngzyface

My Roomba just acts like a drunk person trying to play it cool.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

@joshandbeyond

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

@jellybnbonanza

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

@phalguy

You’re an embarrassment to the human race.
What are you doing later?