ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
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If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Me in tagged photos
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises