ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
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[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
consequences, the bane of my existence
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Alexa: *deep breath*
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself