wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
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Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀