Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
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Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House