What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
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Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise