Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
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MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.