@abbycohenwl

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

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@nPhelendriqal

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

@howe007

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

@Holy_Mowgli

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

@donni

Shout out to people who block me cuz it hurts their feelings I occasionally fav them without following. You can also just ask me to stop :/

@BerrryDLite

Who hired those 10 Americans to go to Brazil and pretend like they like soccer?

@CantWaitToNap

I only order the essentials from Amazon.

*Opens new HD Special Ops Vision Glasses*

@Shock_Monster

Him: Boo!

Me: Did you just call me your Boo?

Him: I was scaring you!

Me: Mission accomplished. *backs away*