@TheToddWilliams

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

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@TheAlexNevil

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

@KentWGraham

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

@iliza

A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.

@dumbbeezie

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

@PleaseBeGneiss

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

@DirtMcTurd

when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.

@CarelWillemse

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

@TheCiscoKidder

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

@ThatEggChick

I fall more in love with you each day, well, except yesterday. Yesterday you were really freakin’ annoying.