Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
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My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I fall more in love with you each day, well, except yesterday. Yesterday you were really freakin’ annoying.