Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
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Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.