[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
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[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Truth
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?