@Sickayduh

ME: Why are you leaving?

WIFE: I have hated every stupid pun of yours since we left Manhasset 20 years ago

ME: Manhasset been that long?

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@jonnysun

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

@owillis

2007: OBAMA’S COMIN’ FER YER GUNS
2008: comin’
2009: almost
2010: any day
2011: seriously
2012: ok now
2013: i think..
2014: nope
2015: well

@sammyrhodes

“If you have a ministry like Jesus it will probably be made up of about 12 people who don’t get your illustrations, & 1 wants to kill you.”

@JohnLyonTweets

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

@ItsAndyRyan

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

@elle91

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

@GerryDuggan

Stay through the end of Hansel & Gretel to see Nick Fury kick Jeremy Renner out of The Avengers.

@Mardigroan

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

@captainkalvis

DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful

ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come