Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
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Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..