Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

My circle of trust is a meatball

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

Mummies are just super modest zombies

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!