Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
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70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
#DesignFail
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted