Me: Why are your eyes closed? I’m trying to talk to you.
9: Because in my mind, a cake is saying it. A red velvet cake.
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Daughter comes home with shirt inside out.
Me: Why is your shirt on wrong?
Daughter: I think you old people call it: “second base”
Me: *looks at phone*
Husband: What are you up to?
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Hey boy, are you an astronaut? Cause you’re invading my space
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Britney is stranded on an island
Britney is starving
Britney forms tool out of rocks and sticks
Britney sees a fish
OH MY GOD EDDIE MURPHY IS GOING TO DO STAND UP I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT oh never mind they’re going to commercial. #SNL40
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up
Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!