@LittleMissAngr1

Me: Why are your eyes closed? I’m trying to talk to you.

9: Because in my mind, a cake is saying it. A red velvet cake.

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@Momtoteens

Daughter comes home with shirt inside out.
Me: Why is your shirt on wrong?
Daughter: I think you old people call it: “second base”

@mommajessiec

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:

Me: *looks at phone*

Husband: What are you up to?

@TheAndrewNadeau

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

@Ristolable

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Britney is stranded on an island
Britney is starving
Britney forms tool out of rocks and sticks
Britney sees a fish
Britney Spears

@GriffLightning

OH MY GOD EDDIE MURPHY IS GOING TO DO STAND UP I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT oh never mind they’re going to commercial. #SNL40

@xosm

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

@ThaJawn

Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more

Me: ok…

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats

Me: What?

Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up

Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!