ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
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God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Only Americans understand
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it