ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
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Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He’s going to pay for that later.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I’m at my most British when the Benny Hill theme song plays while I’m half naked & being chased by my TC’s wife who found me in his closet.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.