@LizHackett

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

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@OrangeFact

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

@copymama

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

@wendyraepearce

I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He’s going to pay for that later.

@Skoog

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

@Contwixt

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

@hpb777

I’m at my most British when the Benny Hill theme song plays while I’m half naked & being chased by my TC’s wife who found me in his closet.

@FunnyTunes

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

@AnitaHelmet

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

@RobDenBleyker

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.