“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
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Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Did I do this right
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!