Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
You Might Also Like
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Nose
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
A little too much information.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly