Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
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Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Mormon cats have 9 wives.