@Kids_kubed

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

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@HotSnuff

Guy told me I have “Bambi eyes”…is that even a compliment? Oh god, please don’t shoot my mother.

@SteveSuckington

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

@ProudFFAalumni

woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.

@BuckyIsotope

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

@anylaurie16

7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, “Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft.”

@AudreyPorne

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband