some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
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Guy told me I have “Bambi eyes”…is that even a compliment? Oh god, please don’t shoot my mother.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, “Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft.”
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband