Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

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Guy told me I have “Bambi eyes”…is that even a compliment? Oh god, please don’t shoot my mother.


If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.


her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them


woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.


GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points


7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, “Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft.”


physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband