Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
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Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still