Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

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When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.


moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend


[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood


No YOU’RE the stalker.

(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)


You’ve made a powerful enemy, vending machine holding my candy bar hostage.


College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?


I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.


“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”


Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”