@ThugRaccoons

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

You Might Also Like

@Mr_Kapowski

[kid’s party]

Me: Can we leave? These things take forever

Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents

@Malocallidus

I see dead people.

Well actually they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes

@Mr_Kapowski

[spooning]

Me: This is nice
Mattress Salesman: Sir, I am done with this so called “test run”

@CroweJam

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

@Mike__Lee

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

@McClaneJohn2

I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that stupid power walk.

@Bratch_Patch

“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”

@Swishergirl24

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

@BradBroaddus

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.