Me: Can we leave? These things take forever
Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
You Might Also Like
I see dead people.
Well actually they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Me: This is nice
Mattress Salesman: Sir, I am done with this so called “test run”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that stupid power walk.
“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
10-12pm: frozen 2
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.