Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
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Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)