@aplethoras

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

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@Moemontes

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

@Parkerlawyer

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

@papasuncle

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

@JimGaffigan

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

@AnniemuMary

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

@TheDweck

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

@ItsAndyRyan

Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.

@DrakeGatsby

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

@AnOrangeSNES

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

@PeterKispert

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”