20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
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ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Live today like it’s your last.
But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.
How my mom and I watch Hallmark movies:
“Look at his/her stupid face”
“This plot is so dumb”
“This snow is so fake”
End of the movie: both sobbing
Studs put the stds in u.
Just finished my book about how to get laid at bars. It’s called The Girl With the Lower-Back Tattoo.
I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib–
I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though