@aplethoras

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

You Might Also Like

@21stcenturysahm

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

@truegritrumble

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

@slimmy_shady

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

@TheCatWhisprer

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

@heatherlarson77

Live today like it’s your last.

But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.

@ledbettercarly

How my mom and I watch Hallmark movies:

“Look at his/her stupid face”
“This plot is so dumb”
“This snow is so fake”

End of the movie: both sobbing

@SortaBad

Just finished my book about how to get laid at bars. It’s called The Girl With the Lower-Back Tattoo.

@seagullski

I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib–

I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though