me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
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Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Breaking news:
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I just love that new Pope smell.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit