Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

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A hipster guy is one who kept his grandpa’s clothes but lost his grandpa’s work ethic.


*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*


Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.


Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done


I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.


The cats told me the reason we only have one life is because we’re too stupid to handle nine lives. I believe this is true.


My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.


My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.


I’m so single, I was at a bar last night and a cute guy offered to buy me a cat.