Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
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Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster