Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
Me: Why do you love me?
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
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ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
ME: Then shut up.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.