this is the news I live for
Me: Why do you love me?
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
You Might Also Like
A hipster guy is one who kept his grandpa’s clothes but lost his grandpa’s work ethic.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
The cats told me the reason we only have one life is because we’re too stupid to handle nine lives. I believe this is true.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I’m so single, I was at a bar last night and a cute guy offered to buy me a cat.