Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
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There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
fourth time’s the charm
#ParentingFacts
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
couldn’t resist
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…