@HairyJew4Life

Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back?

*3 hours later*

Her: What are you talking about?

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@Book_Krazy

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

@ninjadinosaur1

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

@longwall26

If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You’d be surprised how many people hadn’t thought of that.

@vivschwarz

Zoom sucks, we started having editorial meetings in Red Dead Redemption instead. It’s nice to sit at the campfire and discuss projects, with the wolves howling out in the night

@22_Minutes

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

@TheTweetOfGod

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

@junejuly12

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

@pinupteacher

[me on phone with mechanic]

Car won’t start. I think it’s the battery. Or power steering. Could be a fuse. Wheels, probably wheels. Engine.