A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
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My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.