Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back?

*3 hours later*

Her: What are you talking about?

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WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?


I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs


a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet


The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.


When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river


“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb


Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!


Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.


My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.


[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?