@HairyJew4Life

Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back?

*3 hours later*

Her: What are you talking about?

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@BubblesnBooze

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

@matt___nelson

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

@mattZillaaaa

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

@TPAIN

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

@ThugRaccoons

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

@Browtweaten

[Quarantine Diary, Day 3]

My homemade mummy costume was met with violent backlash

@TrondyNewman

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

@Roobots

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

@RatBatallion

When life gives you lemons just be thankful it wasn’t herpes .

@Arr

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations