@michaelajeffery

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

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@rebrafsim

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

@NotARatsAss

My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, “Pull!”

@murrman5

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

@cartercartilage

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

@Home_Halfway

LAWYER: Your Uncle Paul Watt passed away
ME: Wow I didn’t know him
L: He bequeathed his mine to you
ME: Wait a minute
L: Watts mine is yours

@LunchJournals

“I’m a big fan of 50 cent. Or as he’s known in Zimbabwe: four hundred million dollars.”

@karanbirtinna

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

@lazerdoov

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

@DestryBrod

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.