ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

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Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?


My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, “Pull!”


im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..


no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls


LAWYER: Your Uncle Paul Watt passed away
ME: Wow I didn’t know him
L: He bequeathed his mine to you
ME: Wait a minute
L: Watts mine is yours


“I’m a big fan of 50 cent. Or as he’s known in Zimbabwe: four hundred million dollars.”


Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.


Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars


I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.


If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.