ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
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“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.