me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
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Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.