me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
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Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.