Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
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I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Usage Guidelines
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?