@xLiserx

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

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@missekay

The difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser is depth perception.

@ddsmidt

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

@Holy_Mowgli

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

@PetrickSara

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

@Jenny4ashley

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

@aotakeo

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

@whatmaddness

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

@ElleOhHell

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.