The difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser is depth perception.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
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If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.