Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
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Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Every work call, he judges.
I want this so bad
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Things will get butter, keep churning
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Not😆🤣
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine