Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
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Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
A family that plays together cheats.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.