Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
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[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.