Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
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3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Raisins are grape jerky.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”