Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
You Might Also Like
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?