Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
You Might Also Like
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?