Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
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“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I love saying “were you born in a barn?” when my kids leave a door open because it also leaves them wondering “do barns not have doors?” and “why doesn’t dad know where I was born?”
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.