me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
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Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
“i am a sweet baby”
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Ain’t no way
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
How times have changed.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said