Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
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My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
broke down and did it
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.