Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
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*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.