employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
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The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits