Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
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Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
sounds kinky. i’m in.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
*skinny dips into black hole
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.