Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
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I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.